Friday, January 6, 2012

Things not to say to a woman trying to conceive (especially those who have been trying over a year)

So I have discovered a few sayings that make me want to rip people's arm off and beat them over the head with it when they say them to me. I will share since I am sure many TTCers share my peeviness.

"Your time will come" -really? you think? no we just have been trying all this for the heck of it, we dont really think our time will come! yes, thank you, our rational side is very aware that our time will come but this is one of the last things we want to hear at this moment.

"If you will just relax it will happen"
- really? it is extremely hard not to think about the subject when every morning you have to wake up, take your temp, chart it and make sure that you know when you are going to ovulate so you can tie up your husband for three days so that nothing can get in the way of baby dancing. only to then have to wait two weeks to even see if tying your husband was worth the hassle!

From an expectant mother: "we weren't really trying" - well flippideedoda you fertile myrtle! Can you give me a play by play of what "not really trying" is because obviously this "trying" crap isn't working!

"I have heard it is easier to get pregnant at a healthy weight" Thank you very much for calling me fat in a roundabout jerk of a way. Oh yes, these extra 30 lbs that I have around my midsection that make me look pregnant even though I am not are just practice to get me ready for when "my time comes and I relax!" It is the latest craze to become almost obese before getting pregnant, haven't you heard? 
OF COURSE I KNOW I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, you flapperjack, tell that to my STUPID HORMONES that made me gain the weight in the first place!

"You are young, you have plenty of time" yes, I know many women who did not have children until almost forty or even at forty, but they all (the ones I know) did not get married until a short time before that so I'm sorry if I dont want ten years of marriage before we have children.

Any complaint whatsoever from a pregnant woman - look you fertile myrtle, if you want to live to have that baby you better shut up that complainng around me. I would kill to have your nausea, swollen ankles and back ache. Just because you were relaxed and not really trying when your time came doesn't mean you can complain about it around those of us who are still barren.

Despite my somewhat caustic, and hormonal responses to the above things it is very painful for those who have been trying for a while to hear these. Especially when you are doing everything you can to get pregnant and your time hasn't come, you feel broken, you wonder what is wrong with you that you couldn't "not really try" and succeed. You look at other pregnant women, or women with multiple children and cannot help but compare and say "what did they have or do that i didn't or can't?" Two weeks by agonizing two weeks you hope and pray only to discover your failure.

So if you are a parent then remember to thank God that "your time came" or if you are like me and still waiting, don't give up hope, you are not alone!

Until next time....


Alissa said...

M, you are that the above comments are difficult to hear although I am sure that I have been guilty of saying them at times to someone who is trying. I would like to add a few more to your list of comments. 1. When are you going to have another child? My response: I would live another child but we can't afford another child right now (trust me we have looked at our finances). Which this leads to 2. Dont wait until you can afford a child because you will never have enough money. Ok, thanks for that comment but I know we can't afford another child and pay for child care since I have to work. Which leads to 3. Why don't you not work and stay home then you won't have to pay for child care. I would LOVE to stay home but my husband doesn't make enough so I do not have a choice. Without both of us working, we won't have food on the table or gas in our cars. And the best of all is 4. My doctor told me that because of my age I am almost out of time to have a 2nd child so I better hurry up. She said that because I am 40, my chances of having s child with issues is higher. Thanks Doc-no pressure. In the end, we all say things at times that are painful to others without meaning too.

Anonymous said...

how about "if it is meant to be it will be" i also got mad when people said that one :)

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to you and Alyssa. I would love more but it is a big difference to go from 3 to 4. I would be the Duggar mom if I had her $.

We were asked when we were going to have kids at our WEDDING! How about that Italian Catholic comment?!?!?

THough we didn't have to go to the extremes you are having to go through when we wanted a 2nd we always got "Why are you having trouble- you have a kid already?" Well if we knew why then we wouldn't be here would we? For some reason we like the heart break and torture every month of that darn monthly visitor! WHATEVER! I know people are trying to be kind and supportive when they say these things. It's just hard to remember that when you are in the middle of it.

Prayers are all around you and Eric. God is finding that perfect little miracle that is just for you! That is what I told myself and I got Grayson!!


JessiAnne81 said...

I had the wonderful opportunity to hear ALL these! While working on a OB/peds floor, being on clomid, and wanting to cry everytime I had to schedule my intimate time with my husband around my ovulation calendar for 2 years....I hear ya SISTER!

Anonymous said...

Can I add one? I have children from a previous marriage but my husband and I now are having our second miscarriage and I hate the comment... you should just be happy for the children u have. I am but one child can never replace another or the pain of the roller coaster of we are pregnant then we are not anymore.

Anonymous said...

In all my years of knowing you, you have been the comforter. The one with soft words and touch, to let everyone know it will all work out. From the Highland youth musicals to the Centrifuges, you always had the smile on. But it is a question I've wondered the answer to from time to time; "Who comforts the comforter?"

I'm not going to give you advice in matters that belong strictly to God; it won't matter if you relax, nor will it matter how hard you try, nor will tying your husband down...and since you brought it up, never thought you that kinda girl. Rowwrr... :)

I will tell you two things you need to hear. #1 - He is are not. Reference Ecclesiastes 3, 14-15. #2 - Speaking of God, He doesn't make errors. He doesn't throw talent around, hoping to see it land wherever. You are built to be a mother. God has put this inside you; everything a Godly mother should be, you are. It's all there, and it's there for a reason! Failure? No; you can't fail - you're designed not to. The only thing you have to do...with God's wait on His time.

Joe Sack said...

As a master of saying stupid things, even *I* know not to say those. Have you considered giving any of those less than tactful expectant mothers an annoy-a-tron hidden in their baby shower gift? :)

Anonymous said...

I love you girl! I'm sooo sorry you and Eric are having to walk through this too. George and I have been doing this for 5 years now, and it is very hard to hear those things. I have learned that when people don't know what to say they should just keep their mouth shut. I much rather hear,"I'm still praying for you." We are surrounded by a wonderful small group, and God has given us sooo much peace through their prayers. I hope you know that we are praying for you. Read Romans 15:13 it has comforted me and brought me hope this year. Love you girl, and who knows maybe God's plan is for our kids to grow up together. I sure hope so.