Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Merry Christmas in July


No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

I came upon a truth today. Santa Claus is actually Sandra Claus. It just hit me, out of no-where, amidst Excel-hell and numbers: Santa Claus cannot exist as a male.

Think about it:

The man supposedly:

  1. Organizes a list of kazillion children's names and their naughty or nice status.
  2. Organizes the distribution list of kazillion toys and coal to said children.
  3. Makes necessary adjustments throughout the year as said children hop from naughty to nice or vice versa.
  4. Maps, plans, and knows the directions to every household that must be visited on The Night.
  5. Organizes the making, buying or what-have-you of said toys and coal in a timely manner to be ready, packaged, and deliverable by The Night.
  6. Completely ignores any sports events due to the time factor of having to organize such a large event.
  7. Is handy with a calendar and remembers important dates.
I could keep going I am sure but let us look at what I have written. Can you imagine a male doing this? Seriously! Knowing and actually caring whether little Timmy or Janie have been good? Completely ignoring sports, hunting, or anything manly to make toys? Organizing a calendar?
Organizing a list? Not having to ask for directions?!?

Impossible.

"Santa" Claus is a woman.

Sandra Claus started this whole deal but due to past history and the roles of women knew that it would never become popular (nor would the men take to a woman pulling off such a huge deal) therefore she created "Santa" the male figurehead so the world would accept it. She found a homeless older fellow who would look like the grandfather type, gussied him up in a red suit and passed him off as the genius of it all.

Yep it has to be.

(No drugs were taken during the writing of this blog, only too many hours in a cubicle. Humor and insanity are the only goals set out to be achieved.)

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