Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the
refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are
yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain
my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and
food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by
NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than
a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a
secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also,
I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance
is not required.

The proper order is kiss me,
then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets,
I have posted the following message on
our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
& Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair
on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than
I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she
is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are
better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant,
you can sell their children.


Anonymous said...

LMAO, Imp this is so funny.
I showed it to my pets so we have new ground rules now.

Anonymous said...